But Adrian had a problem. He was a gay man who somehow flew under everyone’s gaydar.
Adrian supposed he had come out a bit late, certainly later than anyone he personally knew.
Before that, he had spent some time wondering if he might be asexual. It had just taken him a long time to tune into his sexuality and realize he was attracted to other men. Unfortunately, other people around him shared that struggle.
While he had been out for over a year, Adrian struggled to find a local community. His own city was too small to harbor much of a queer community, and the larger gay community in a city over seemed so entrenched that Adrian had only attended one event without speaking to anyone before heading home, dejected.
After that, Adrian had decided that perhaps he wasn’t meant to meet someone in person, so he tried his hand at apps. He signed up for all manner of services in a hopeful flurry one night; Grindr and Ok Cupid, among them. But Adrian quickly found himself too intimidated to match with the men whom he found especially attractive. With his thin frame, brown hair that refused to do anything other than fall over his eyes, and glasses, Adrian had never felt particularly sexy. He worried that gay men were as superficial as he’d read, and avoided rejection by not putting himself out there in the first place.
After that, Adrian had decided that perhaps he wasn’t meant to mean someone in person, so he
tried his hand at apps. He signed up for all manner of services in a hopeful flurry one night;
Grindr and OkCupid, among them. But Adrian quickly found himself too intimidated to match
with the men whom he found especially attractive. With his thin frame, brown hair that refused to
do anything other than fall over his eyes, and glasses, Adrian had never felt particularly sexy.
He worried that gay men were as superficial as he’d read, and avoided rejection by not putting
himself out there in the first place.
Of course, this meant that Adrian had little chance of success. When he would match with
someone, it was typically not someone to whom he was particularly attracted but who seemed
safe. He would never initiate a conversation and would freeze when he saw that he had a new
message, even if he was reading it from the comfort of his home. Adrian never responded to
any direct requests for sex because his inexperience made him feel inferior. He was afraid his
inexperience would get him laughed out of the room — or worse.
The few conversations Adrian had managed to have didn’t seem to go anywhere. Just one led
to a face-to-face meeting, and Adrian was so nervous that he barely managed to hold a
conversation. He could tell from the other man’s face, that he wasn’t engaging him, even though
Adrian found him attractive and dearly wanted to hold a conversation that had any sort of flow to
it. The night had ended early with little warmth and no promises to meet again, and Adrian was
sure that his date was as disappointed as he had been. Only Adrian was also incredibly
disappointed in himself.
For a while, Adrian had forgotten about the apps, his already meager motivation sapped. Yet,
the nagging reminders of his singledom and empty bed were hard to ignore. Eventually, after a
bit of liquid courage, Adrian decided enough was enough. He downloaded Grindr to his phone
once more and made the goal of swiping right on anyone who he found even a little bit attractive
and especially those men who thought they were out of his league.
Swallowing his self-doubt, Adrian began swiping right on the gorgeous faces that greeted him from the app.
Some were tan, some had warm smiles, and some exuded an air of self-
confidence bordering on arrogance. The latter were the type of men that Adrian would never
have had the courage to swipe right on before. But if he was being honest with himself, even the
guys in the former groups intimidated him.
Twenty minutes of furious swiping later, Adrian found that the anxiety bubbling in his stomach
had subsided somewhat. But he also found that the adrenaline had faded, too. He had yet to
make a match. Where were all the active men? Were they already rolling between the sheets
together? Was there some big gay party that he wasn’t invited to? Perhaps his inability to
connect with the local community would damn him online, too. Adrian was just about to put his
phone down when he saw the alert: he had a match.
Chris was classically good looking with a square jaw and golden hair. He almost looked like a
Ken doll. Almost all of his pictures showed him at the gym or participating in activities such as
rock climbing. He was exactly the type of guy Adrian would have avoided swiping with let alone
struck up a conversation with in person. But Adrian was drunk, frustrated, and horny. He was
sick of being alone and wondered what he really had to lose.
Chris was flirty and confident, and Adrian tried to best to emulate those traits. He complimented
the other man and joked. It quickly became obvious that Chris wasn’t looking for anything
serious, just some fun. Adrian tried to reassure himself that it was just one night, whether good
or bad and would be over soon.
Briefly, Adrian wondered if it was smart to agree to meet this guy, but he knew if he waited and
sobered up, he wouldn’t have the gall to do it. Adrian couldn’t believe that he was texting this
guy his address, but after he had, he rushed around his apartment in a frenzy to pick up a bit.
Dirty dishes were hidden in the dishwasher while clothing disappeared under the bed. Although
Adrian was sure his guest wouldn’t care about the state of his apartment, but it bothered him.
Chris was so attractive in person that he almost seemed to glow. It was as if he had stepped out
of a movie. Adrian faltered before managing to speak.
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